Chapter 1: But Home Is Nowhere

A wise man once told me that “you can’t go back to try to change the things that already have happen you just can’t.” but it doesn’t hurt to wish that you could there is not one living being on this earth who doesn’t want that. An embarrassing moment, asking that one person out, going back to school, instead of making that one wrong turn. What if you could? What would you change? What would I change? Everything, I don’t want to dig these graves anymore I hate it. I use to think that there had to be something so much better than Little Village I hated everything that made this place I was so disgusted! I wanted to just fly away…fly away to a place that wasn’t home…a place where no one knew me…but now because of me and some friends of mine home is nowhere. We destroyed it all or at least help destroyed it all. All we wanted to do was to help someone in need but now who is going to help us?

Saturday October 27th, 2007 I was 18 years old at the time, who knew it would be the last day of being what I called normal ended. My brother and my friends are in a band called Sex For Less. They are throwing another backyard concert. It’s something we do when work is slow and there is nothing better to do. Everyone is assign a job that ranges from vendors to entertainment. With the way we run things you would have mistaken us for professionals. Me and my partner in crime Remy are boxers so its no surprise they make us the bouncer. We collect the money and made sure no one got in for free, except the band of course. It’s 4:30 p.m, 30 minutes before show time I just came out of practice with Remy. We walk to the back the engineers are set up and all the bands are beginning to arrive. Sex For Less are helping with the sound check “You guys are late!” Buu said in the mic
“I love you too.” I said
“Shut up and go help the last band unload.” Faye said
“What band is that?” I said
“Careless Whispers.” Frankie said
“Celestin is here?” I said
“Aww your little boyfriend is here.” Mclovin said
“Shut your face, it ain’t like that the guy calls me little sister for god sakes.” I said
“Really, why?” Remy said
“I try not to ask him certain things.” I said, we went to the ally where they parked a whole army got out of the truck
“Allo, Katie how are you?” Celestin said
“I’m good and how was your trip over here?” I said
“It was good, I’m look forward to spending time with you after work.” he said
“Me too, this time I’ll take you to the lake front, I’ll play hooky after your set.” I said
“I can’t wait.” he said
“Well, the people are going to be arriving soon see you later Celestin…and do your best!” I said

What I hate most about this job is all the complaints we have to hear. And that occasional asshole that claims he’s part of the band and tries to let 60 people in for free. But than there are those other occasion “Aww, come on Katie let me get in for free!” the bribing begins “If you let me get in I’ll give you this pack of cigarettes! Look its brand new!” The boy said
“What kind of cigs you got?” I said
“Cloves Black.” he said
“I don’t have a lighter” I said. Which is a lie; I have a lighter in the pocket that sits on my belt.
“Here I’ll give you mine.” He said, the boy takes out a Zippo lighter from his pocket its stainless steel with the H.I.M logo engraved on the front, he hands it to me to examine on the back words read; Watch me fall for you my Venus Doom.
“I can’t take this.” I said
“No worries its cool it was my ex’s,” He said “I need to get rid of it anyways.”
“Go ahead man and thanks.” I said, The price for a pack alone has jumped to seven dollars and I don’t like disposable lighters. I begin to smoke as Remy takes over the next shift, I walk to the backyard as the guys played the song Vodka and Sex, it’s almost that time anyways. “We are Sex For Less you know it’s true.” Buu sings, the fans had formed a mosh pit “by the end of the night we are worth the fuckin screw!” Buu sings, I make my way through the walkway in which the people that don’t take part in mosh pits crowd to avoid the thrashing bodies but I still get hit in the face by some random fist. I jump on the driveway which is the stage for the night. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, No hang over, being really fuckin, sober,” Buu looks my way I nod to him “That’s what vodka and sex is all about!” they end their song. And I make my way to center stage with a hostess cupcake in my hand; in the middle sat a candle. I lit it, “Alright where is my little girl? Where’s Lucy?” Buu said she comes up on stage in her little witch’s outfit; she tries so hard not to look at the crowd. I take her by the hand as I smile at her, and I grab the mic “Alright guys it’s my little girl’s birthday, so I want everyone to sing las mananitas!” Faye starts playing clean electric he sits on the stage kicking his legs back and forth; Mclovin sits with Faye on the opposite side of the stage; Frankie sits on his bass amp with the bass on his knees. Alanni counts off with his drum sticks, Buu begins to sing with the crowd:

“Estas son las mañanitas, que cantaba el Rey David,
Hoy por ser día de tu Santo, te las cantamos a ti,
Despierta, mi bien, despierta, mira que ya amaneció,
Ya los pajarillos cantan, la Luna ya se metió.”

Lucy’s smile grew on her little face, she tries to hide behind me and Buu but its no use. An “Aww!” came from the crowd, as well as a Mexican yelp from As We March

“Que linda está la mañana en que vengo a saludarte,
Venimos todos con gusto y placer a felicitarte,
Ya viene amaneciendo, ya la luz del día nos dio,
Levántate de mañana, mira que ya amaneció.”

“Here mija blow the candles and make a wish.” I said she looks up at the crowd and bites her upper lip.
“Don’t be shy!” someone cries out, she looks to the sky and makes a wish, she then blows out the candles. She hugs me and the guys, “Thank you.” she said, Buu looks at me up and down
“Hey who’s watching the door?” He said I get offstage before he decides to reduces my cut of the profits, I walk down the stairs past Lucy, who gives me one last hug. As I went deeper into the crowd I hear a man’s voice say “So he’s the father? Funny, I thought you would be with someone, less…” the stranger said.
“Excuse me, first of all who are you to question my personal life?” I said, the stranger looks down at me.
“Katie, please forgive me…I guess that did come out wrong. As for who I am…well, let’s just say I was the first person you ever fell in love with” the stranger said. I thought for a minute then looked up at the man whose hair was dyed red and black, his eyes that seemed to me as if he was at one point the one for me…I don’t know if you quite understand what I mean, but that is the best I can describe it.
“Hector” I whisper.
“Katie,” takes my hand in his “it’s been three years since I last saw you and you haven’t grown an inch.” Hector said, he pulls me closer, but I resist. I remove my hand and walk away. The past should stay in the past. But he is persistent and follows me to the front of the house. Remy talks to Diablo, as Eddie plays a game of horse with fellow skateboarders.
“Well at least tell me what made you want to sleep with him?” Hector said as Remy turns around and Hector places his hand on me
“Katie, who is he talking about?” Remy asked, I shrug Hector’s hand off my shoulders.
“Lucy.” I said, Remy starts to laugh.
“What’s so funny?” Hector asked
“The fact that you think Buu and her are together. That little girl you met is a kid we mentor we all call her mija or daughter,” Remy said “and who are you to question her?”
“I’m her first and only love, who the hell are you?” Hector said as Eddie came our way. He pulls me back as Remy and Hector test each others’ patience.
“I’m her sparing partner, as well as one of her good friends.” Remy said.
“Hey guys chill” Diablo said as he gets in the middle of the two.
Hector pushes Diablo “Mind your own damn business.” Hector said.
“Hey, pretty boy don’t fuckin’ push me!” Diablo said. I look behind me,

As We March had come to see what was going on. I look to them and nod my head, they do the same “Hold on now, I know that this argument started because of little old me. And I’m very flattered, but I think it is time to put an end to it. You see over here, we have the band As We March, now look at this.” I snapped my fingers “As We March take care of my business.” They crack their knuckles; Hector takes a step back as well as Diablo, but Remy was well ready for them. “Now either enjoy the show or…well, I don’t have to explain the rest, now do I?” After a brief stand off they went their separate ways.
“Damn girl…running her own gang of bandits.” Diablo mumbled under his breath
“What was that?” I said
“I didn’t say nothing.” Diablo said running to the back as fast as he could,
“Thank you, kind sirs.” I said as I bowed to As We March.
“Well little lady it sucks to be you, huh? I’ll bring you back a beer to calm down.” The singer Gerardo said.
“I thank you for your kindness but I’ll be fine.” I said
“Fuck!” Remy said.
“What? You don’t have change?”
“It’s not that, I don’t know how you can even consider going out with that cunt!” he said, the girl in front of him jumps back. I take the money from Remy
“I’m sorry, as you can see my friend here has been having a bad day,” I gave her the change for a twenty, I then turn to Remy “listen, yes, Hector was the first one I gave my heart to, but…it wasn’t meant to be….you know what I don’t have to explain myself to you.”
“You have to answer what made him…Katie, don’t walk away! Katie!” he said.

But it is no use, I’m already standing in the middle of the crowd with Sex for Less; they finished their set, and Washbourne had taken the stage our friend Alan is the guitarist/singer, Washbourne is on their second song “I’m so happy. Cause today I found my friends in my head” Alan sings. Buu taps me on my shoulders, offering me a beer. I decline, while everyone around him drinks, some rockers link arms and start to sway back and forth. While others head bang, we sing from the top of our lungs to the heavens. In hopes that God himself will come down and tell us to “Shut up!”
“Sunday morning is everyday for all I care.” Alan sings. The next thing I know, I’m kicked by Buu. I bump into the boy in front of me, “Sorry” I said to him. I push Buu back and he knocks down a group of people. And like a pebble thrown into a pond, (sigh) we start a mosh pit to (sigh) Lithium by Nirvana…I mean it would have been fine if it were Smell Like Teen Spirit. What am I saying? I’m sorry Alan, but moshing to Nirvana is like moshing to the Backstreet Boys…God we have issues! Any who, a side from my shame….the mosh pit is hectic; an elbow hits me square in the mouth the blow knocks me to the ground. As I try to get up I got sat on by a heavily built character. I the taste of iron fills my mouth. I spit…blood, a group of people help me up off the floor. I make my way to the front of the house. But I’m stop at the walk way by Hector, he places his hand on my face and wipes my blood off with his sleeve “How bad did he hurt you?” Hector said
“Hector please stop.” I said
“I can’t, I have the sudden urge to want to take care of you.” Hector said
“She can take care of herself just fine.” Remy said
“Why don’t you leave us alone? Or are you jealous?” Hector said
“Jealous of you? Please don’t make me laugh, me compare to you its no competition.” Remy picks up his shirt showing off his abs. I roll my eyes at him thank-god Celestin pulls me to the side.

“So much drama for one girl?” Celestin said

They’re idiots.” I said

Oh Little sister, they should respect you and not fight here.” He said

yeah I know…so what’s up?” I said
“The guys want you to head to the shack and get some supplies.” He said

“Oh ok, what do they need?” I said
“A couple of cases of beer they said take Remy, Diablo and Eddie with you.” Celestin said
“I’ll go too.” Hector said
“Its ok you don’t have to.” I said
“But I want to.” Hector said “so I can protect you from this brute.”
“Brute?!” Remy said
“Whatevs….tell one of the guys to keep watch at the door.” I said
“Yeah, take care of you.” Celestin said
“I will, be back soon.” I said

We walk down the abandon railroad tracks, passing the factory with the blinking lights, into the long dark alley. Finally getting to Albany and 31st, trying to find the gap that sits between us and a place we call The Shack. We locate the opening, upon entering the lot you see two small trees, stand next to a small three room office. On the outside it seems as if some delinquents decide to break all the windows. But once inside it told a different story; ashes, broken typewriters, tall weeds, and two flowers cover the floor. Stone walls are knocked down revealing the next room, the aroma of gas, cinnamon, and roses fill this shack. What makes the whole thing weird, yet wonderful is the mysterious sound of Indian War Drums; we set up as they start to beat. “What is this place?” Hector said “is it your clubhouse?”
“You make us sound like a bunch of five year olds.” I said “but yeah it’s our clubhouse they said get some of the bottles find them, Hector come with me to get the beer it’s in the bigger factory next door.”
“Yes ma’am.” Eddie said
“Don’t go drinking anything!” I said
“Yes ma’am.” Diablo said “can we at least get some food before we go back?”
“Yeah but just find it and we’ll go to Los Comales.” I said, we walk to the factory next to the shack it’s our storage, gym, whatever we want to do with it.
“Aren’t you guys scared it might collapse?” Hector said
“Not really if it does, it does can’t change it.” I said, Hector puts his hands around my waist
“You better not be here when that happens. I just found you I don’t want to lose you.” he said, back in high school I always heard stories. He broke the hearts of all the girls in Farragut so in retaliation I decide to seduce him with letters. For a while it did not work and it caused me many problems with the female student body. So I decided to toss the project into the wind but I could not let it go for some odd reason. I needed one letter to prove to myself that I can become an exceptional writer. For my last attempt I wrote a love letter like no other, to tell you the truth I have forgotten what the entire letter said except for a few lines “I saw you a couple of days ago but I could not find the words to speak. But now I can, I love you and I want to know everything about you!”

And it worked! He fell for me, but it came with the highest price of all. I lost friends, the entire female student body hated my guts except for the few that took a stand with me. If I did not have six girls I do not know what would have happened to me. I look at him, I want to tell him something but I didn’t know what. Maybe I want to apologize for Diablo’s reckless behavior at the time. Or that I still want to be with him, whatever it is, the words refuse to form. Hector looks down at me and I look up at him, we are frozen in our state. I want him to stop staring at me I want to move but my legs won’t let me go. I want to…I want to…Hector leans closer…that when I heard it…that scream that started it all. It came from the shack, a cry of pain, a cry for help, a cry that came from the guys. I went around Hector, running off, my heart pound as fast as the war drums beat. I get to the shack and blocking the doorway are two men fighting in medieval type clothing. They fight in order to kill one another but who are they? And why are they here?
“How are we going to get in?” Hector said,

I take him by his hand and lead in through the broken window. The Shack smells of blood, I look down the crimson liquid covers the floor. I look around and there lies Eddie all by himself, he holds his skateboard in his arms. As if he tried to protect it or shield himself with it, his arms are badly wounded. “Eddie! Hector, go and find the others!” I said, Hector runs off as I ordered.
“Katie is that you?” Eddie said
“Nah, man it’s the tooth fairy.” I said, I know I have to be serious, but it’s not like Eddie didn’t go along with it. “Stupid tooth fairy, you still owe me a quarter.” he said
“I do? For what?” I said
“For my last tooth you didn’t give me anything!” he said, so I reached in my pocket and pulled out a quarter, I tossed it to him. “Sucker.” he said, Hector comes back, my heartbeat begins to beat at an alarming rate, “Katie, come quick it’s your friend Remy.” Hector said
“Where is he?” I said
“By the gate!” Hector said.

I run past Hector, past Diablo, and outside by the gate is Remy. He looks like he tried to escape, he lies there almost lifeless. He bleeds all over the floor, he is wounded from his arms, his legs, and other various body parts, my heart sinks. Because I know that he may not make it…It pains me just to write this part, I no longer want to relive it…I’m sorry I got off track.
“Remy,” I said so quietly as if he slept, I knelt down and crawl towards him, he looks at me.
“Where were you Kate? I could’ve used you as a human shield.” he said
“Yeah right…” my voice starts to break “I probably…” the tears start to form in my eyes, “would have bite you…” they begin to run down my face; I could no longer look at him.
“Aww, don’t cry lempiä, I’ll be alright.” Remy said,

You lie I thought, but my words said “I know you are, Boss Man taught us to be tough…but still.”

The tears wont stay back no matter how many times I try, I continued “I can’t stand to see you like this.”
“And you really think I can stand seeing you cry.” he said, I get up and turn away, Hector makes attempt to comfort me but I move away. I wipe the tears away and said “Hector, stay with him.”
“No, I’m going with you.” Hector said
“No, your not you staying here with him!” I said
“And let you go in there by yourself while those psychos fight?!” Hector said
“Listen I don’t need you to protect me, I never needed anyone!’ I said as we fight in the background we hear a chuckle, we turn to Remy. “She won’t listen to you man no matter what you say so let her be. She knows what she is getting herself into and all the consequences that come with it.” Remy said
“All I ask is for you to look after him while I go in, don’t worry I’ll be ok.” I said, I dart off to get Diablo first. “I thought you left me and Eddie here to die.” Diablo said
“Diablo, can you pick a better time to be anal-retentive?” I said
“I think I picked the perfect time.” he said
“Don’t tempt me to leave you here.” I said, I help him up and reach to where Hector and Remy are. I went back for Eddie. “Eddie, are you still alive?” I said
“Hold on let me check.” he said “Hey are people usually cold?”
“Not really.” I said
“Then no, I’m a ghost.” he said
“Cool! Does it hurt?” I said as I help him up
“A little,” he said, “watch the arms.” I can’t imagine a worse scenario than the one we are in now. All we wanted to do was have fun but no some assholes. That took Dungeon and Dragons too serious ruined our night. The guy’s blood is spilled all over the shack and the parking lot….what the hell? What’s going on? Why is the world fading away? Who’s calling my name? Did something happ…

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Posted by on March 1, 2011 in Book Of Days


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Riding Towards The Sun Pt. 1

“So a week away from the CMW you must be excited.” Hero said to me we just drop off Rocio. When I talk to Hero I’m always honest with him because he knows how to listen. And he won’t tell me something I already know. “Are you kidding me?! I wanna runaway and crawl up in a ball somewhere.” I said, he starts to laugh.

“Well you hide it pretty well.” he said, there are several different reasons why I’m going to the CMW. The two major ones are because 1) they have a film festival I want to check it out. To see if it will be worth sending our work, because if everyone is enjoying the concerts. Than who is watching the movies? 2) I have a friend named Jeff, who will be playing at one of the venues. We have been talking for years now but never actually met you, guessed it an internet friend. To tell you the truth I don’t really like having Internet friends. Cause well I’m an old school kind of girl I don’t own a cell phone, I prefer to talk face to face, and the people I know are a handful enough. I don’t need 10000 people on my Facebook, Twitter, or Myspace who I will never speak to. The only piece of technology I need, is my computer and it does everything I need it to do. Plus it has more memory, well any who back to the CMW. For years Jeff has been trying to get me to go and met him at the CMW but I never actually took up the offer.

Although I have gone to Montreal where he lives and I hung out there for a week. Even than we didn’t met, I really needed a break and he was too busy moving. He did message me the day I left. Looking for a number to contact me on, I didn’t give him one. I told him. “By the time you gets this message I will already be in Chicago a little late huh Casanova?”

Casanova is what I call him when I feel like teasing him, he’s such a chick magnet. A week away from meeting him and I’m terrified. I don’t feel like going at times I want someone else to go and take my place. Why am I so scared? Well that’s easy…I’m not going to tell you.

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Posted by on February 24, 2011 in Riding Towards The Sun


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Book Of Days Excerpt

We get to an island the boat stops a little far from the shore. It can’t go any further due to the ruins surrounding the shore we get off the ship. And with a small boat we get as close as possible we then swim to shore unfortunately for Diablo he can’t swim. So Valetine had to hold on to him, we walk onto shore nothing, but ruins. “Was this a town?” I said

Maybe…but as long as I’ve known it’s always been this way.” Allen said, we keep walking the island is covered with mountain range the closer we get the hotter it gets. “I hate the heat so damn much.”

It’s hot because we are near an active volcano.” Ezekiel said

Ah hell no! That’s it this is where I draw the line, I’m going back to the ship!” I said

Katie get over here the volcano hasn’t erupted in years.” Ezekiel said

What if it decides to erupt now? I refuse to go any further.” I said

That’s an order.” Ezekiel said

That’s an order.” I said mockingly

We get to the volcano a large building is at the bottom we enter. The ceiling center has caved in shedding light on Cybele and two priestesses at her side. Cybele wears a red robe, she sits on ruins that make a chair under a large statue of three woman. Each one with a different phase of the moon tattooed on t their stomachs. We sit on the ruins that make a circle, she stands the robe hits the floor exposing her naked body. The guys jaw drops, eyes popping out of their sockets as I turn away embarrassed. Our teachers sit there not faze by what they are seeing. She stops at each and every one of the guys looking down on them. She turns to Ezekiel she touches Ezekiel on the head she whispers something in his ear. She looks to Allen and said “What will you do when all falls apart? Who will keep you together? How will you keep hope alive? Where will you turn for the compassion you desperately need? To the sea to find a lonely heart just like yours.” she comes to me I don’t look at her. She kneels down and she places her hand on my face and turns my face to meet her left blue and right gold-colored eyes. She stands in the middle of the circle she waits. A strong hot wind carries ashes and embers from the volcano dances around her. It lifts her off her feet she spins and the wind dies she lands on her feet. She looks up hair in front of her face the blue eye is now gold, her gold eye is now blue.

Oh Katie we are too far apart, I miss you so much

But I couldn’t feel closer as I do to you now.

Don’t worry about me I’m happy where I am,

But I have a message for you.

Remy? Is that you?” I said

What lies beyond the barriers of this world? If I told you would you believe me?

I see the walls of this world and many others crumbling one by one.

If I could warn you I would tell you this one of you will rise, one of you will fall.

A bond will be formed and it will be a strong bond, some will volunteer,

Some who understand you will never abandon you and one will follow for forgiveness.

But you are not given the luxury to say no. because you four are chosen to be our modern heroes.

What are you talking about? Can you make sense?” I said

As that band forms another will crumble right before your eyes,

You cannot do anything to stop it because the road you will take is meant to be with others.

You are about to find out that the future is not as forgiving as you thought it was.

There is betrayal, there is confusion, there is blood,

There will be more loss than lost, and finally there is revenge.

But isn’t Destiny what you make of it?” I said

But there is salvation yes, salvation.

And you will find it in the oddest places. If I could help you I would.

Oh, Kate those wings you acquired put the real angels to shame.

Your such a fake angel, Kate, confront the unknown head on.

Be the tough girl you are, be admirable, don’t lose that fire inside,

But above all else forgive those who trespass against you.

I love you Kate always remember that.

Take care guys

I could swear to you that it was Remy speaking through her. Cybele falls to the floor one of the priestess come to her. She covers her with the robe and helps Cybele back on the chair, the other priestess carries four scrolls. She hands one to the guys and me, “Cybele, drew these months ago she said when they come they will need these to help in the future.” I open mine it is a map with an X inside a cave. A riddle is at the bottom, the priestess lens in and says “I’m sorry, try to keep your heart open.”

“Thank you and I will keep my heart open but what are you sorry for?” I said

For his lie, you will suffer.” she said, she looks at Ezekiel

“Ezekiel what is she talking about?” I said, Ezekiel get up and walks away then entire way home he stayed locked inside his room. What lie and why do I have to pay for it?


Posted by on February 21, 2011 in Book


FreeWrite #1

What happens when you lost it all? You start again you start all over again i walk barefoot outside feeling the warmth of the pavement under my feet. This is probably the only reason why i like the summer no police siren out tonight everybody is too busy making love. With no moon in sight i look for the stars i find one…no two. And remember the first time i went camping and how they stopped me dead in my tracks, watching them shine in the midnight sky. Someone said “they look unforgivably beautiful” i gave them all names that night but forgot them all…beware of passion no one will understand you. A man once said to me i fear that he might be right. Inspired by Bonafide Rojas i hide behind everything in my room of broken pencils and exploded pens. Lights off because its hot as it is, Sade plays very very low. She cannot changelle the silence my right hand moving erratically, my left almost motionless except for the running fingers. If you could read my mind than why must i speak? so here i stand unedited, unframed, unfinished, the most incomplete woman you will ever see. And tonight i cherish that title more than you will ever know. Tonight i find myself again and i will hide it under my bed with the two stars. the sun is rising and i will sleep, sleep, sleep, my sweet.


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Posted by on February 19, 2011 in Free Write


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